The highs and lows

On Thursday Kim had another MRI.  Holt took her and he seemed relatively somber and worried. Kim is in incredible pain (even though she doesn't admit it much) and she's had headaches again.  All things considered, this has never been good news.

Friday, she went with Lon to get the results.  Not good. Not good at all.  Cancer in the lining of her brain.

Nothing is shocking really - but the news always - ALWAYS - shocks me. I can't even cry. I sit there numb.  So many questions - how, why, WHY IS SHE FACING EVEN MORE!?!?!?!  I know the Lord CAN heal her, why is He choosing not to?  

And in the same breath, I know out of all the trials and tribulations in my life. The fear, the hurt, the pain... none of them make Him less God. Thy will be done.  That's all I can say over and over.  In my marriage, in my finances, in Tristan's schooling, his dyslexia, our family issues, my mom's health and needing to move, my dad's loneliness, Sawyer's death, my friends' depression, my community groups' sadness and struggles. In depression and a sick world approving abortions when babies are viable - ALL OF IT... He is still sitting on the throne, fully in charge...letting us choose and He's allowing all sorts of things that don't make sense.  But don't mistake this for weakness.  He is giving us time.  Time to turn, time to seek Him, time to give our lives over to Him because when THE TIME COMES... His wrath with be placed on this earth and sickness, disease, sin, perversion... it will all be gone.

So for today, I have to thank Him for another moment, to get it right. I have to trust him that He's got this.  He's in control and that quite frankly... His ways are higher.

And in moments like these... I lift the camera and with tears in my eyes, I take the picture.

and I have to admit that the next photo I take... Kim might not be in it.  Ruth Ann might not be in it... heck, I might not be in it. 

And I have to live today like it's my last. Say I love you.  Show up to EVERY moment that I can.  Be a good friend, walk my dog - because hey, my legs still work.

Watch my son play that video game and tell me about his "cool world" for the millionth time because it's important to HIM.

Tristan's best friend lost his grandmother yesterday.  Nancy died of a heart attack and they tried to save her, only for her to die a few hours after her surgery. I think she was 80.

Grayson decided to play in the game.  He seemed ok but I could tell they were all a little broken.  So I reminded Tristan - just like when Grandpa was gone... we need to be the friend THEY need.  Listen for cues. If they ask for something we say yes.  So Cullen and G asked to come over for a few hours. I had plans. Studying, dinner, a movie, etc... but, thankfully my plans were interrupted with friendship.

They started like this...

soon it was full on wrestling (I actually thought the ceiling was going to collapse) and then screaming about blood all over the place because of a bloody nose. Scratches but still laughter and goofiness and boys just being boys.  And friendship.  They needed to get away and we were able to do that. It matters.

And earlier in the day... my boy killed it on the court - I'm just so proud of how hard he plays. I wish I could video the whole game.  It's insane how tough he is.  My child plays with GRIT. And he makes the shot more than he doesn't...

and I'd be SO proud even if he didn't because he's (usually) a great friend. He loves his buddies and just wants to be in the mix of it all.

This team went undefeated and he was proud but more than proud... he was thankful.

Just to be invited.

(Back row: Coach: John, Hunter, Jeff, Tristan, Ryder, Dean. 2nd row: Grayson, Max, Luke, Liam, Vance - cuz I'll forget one of their names later)

I don't know what tomorrow brings but I'm positive there will be pain involved. Disappointment and extreme sorrow because, well, that's life. But I can promise you this - I will be a part of EVERY SINGLE MOMENT that I can be. I will do my best to be obedient to His calling on my life and I will always live this life to the fullest. I'm going down swinging and I'm pretty sure my mini-me will as well.

Eyes up... I know Lord, trust You.  Eyes up.