When you see God's hand in the small stuff

So, today was drop off day. I knew it would be hard. Thankfully the Mays let us carpool so the boys could experience the drive and everything together.  It was SO fun. On the way down, I thought a lot.  I only have "x" summers left, what if his wife doesn't like me... blah, blah, blah.  The silly stuff I shouldn't even really process right now.  But, sometimes, it grounds me.

In the middle of watching him yell and spray silly string... I still see a boy growing so very quickly into a man.  I love it and I hate it all at the same time.

And you question... everything.  Is he in the right school?  Does he have the right friends? Do I feed him well enough?  Does he see ME chase after Jesus? Did I pack enough underwear.

HA! That's a mom's brain.

And when we arrived he hopped out of that truck and was ready to get his great and get moving.

Cabin assignment - check!

Stuff to set up the room - CHECK!

Swimsuit for swim check - CHECK!

Let's GO!

And as I walked... I saw the families.  So many families. And I was sad.  Sad that our family doesn't look like that.  He was so sad that he didn't have a sibling last night, no one to play with.  He admitted that sometimes he's lonely and misses having a yard to play in and imagine.  And it's not lost on me, soon he won't want to play alone in the backyard and fight off dragons or evil doers. He's want to sleep, be with his friends and eat.  A lot.  

And as we walked I grieved for some of the choices I've made. For the state of my marriage and that he can't live in a happy, healthy home.  I GRIEVE.  Not really for me as much for him because he deserves that. I want more for him. For me... but truly for him to learn to love a woman and lead a family.  

But yet, Holt still shows up and we play the part.

And I'm not sure that he knows better but it terrifies me that he does. So, all I know to do is pray. And beg God for forgiveness where I have failed.

All I know to do is grab him and kiss his face (all the while he's totally horrified but all the mom's are doing this!!)

Aaaaaand I tell him how much I love him and will miss him.  He plays along but I KNOW how much he will miss me because he has a huge heart and he loves his mama!

He's not emotional.. until he is.  And then when he is (like last night) I question everything.

But as we walked in he reminded me that THIS is the SAME place we stayed twice for Mother/Son weekend.  The weekends I DID NOT want to go to.  Too many people I didn't know, too much small talk, too PEOPLE-Y! Bleck!!

But we went... and we had fun and we made memories.

But something that hit me today. Where Tristan would have had a harder time... saying goodbye, scared, afraid for me to leave...he KNEW this place.  Knew the store, the dining hall, the pool, the pond, HE KNEW IT ALL and he felt at home.  He ran around showing G this place and that ... and he was so confident.  I loved it. And God took something from two and three years ago and used it TODAY. That's my God for ya.

It's odd, 

You WANT them to need you... until they do and then you wish they were more confident.

You WANT them to miss you,... until they do and then you just want them to soak up EVERY experience and not have a single moment of sadness.

You want to see them whole, and complete and in a loving home and not feel less than or wish they lived "there" and not here.  So you find people that love you IN your mess, that do life WITH you, that he can be in BOTH families and it works. And you are loved and accepted and you are the 6th and 7th wheel.  Somehow, you don't fit al all but you fit.

That's my junk, not his.

I had one of my best friends "holding my hand" there and she will all week ...

and he does too... his best friend is there and when he doubts, he may not say it... but he will rise because he's safe.

And the moment we left, he was fine. He was fully invested... ready for NEON NIGHT!

The Lord prepares us in the oddest ways.

(he also literally has about 20 friends there that we didn't know were going)

And the Lord is working on ME right now. He's revealing places that I'm still very broken. Dashed dreams and loneliness that I rarely allow myself to feel. He's showing me places of pain and comparison that there is no need for yet I still struggle with.

He's showing me that I am just PART of Tristan's story, just as he is only part of mine.  My job is to raise him the best I can and let God do the rest.

This is a wonderful Christian camp and I pray one nugget of truth seeps into his soul.  That he finds something new out about himself and that this proves that he's growing and he CAN do this thing called life.

I'm not in control of anything and I know it. I can't make him DO anything. I can't fix the broken things in my life on my own but I can stay humble, stay kind, I can care and love and be me.  The crazy me that I am that some (many) days the world shouts back YOU-ARE-TOO-MUCH.

I'm created in His image. I'm a work in progress. I am me and that's ok.

And for today, I can lay my head on my pillow and know that my "baby" is having the time of his life with his best friend and his counselor Pranks. I can know that God is moving, that 7 days isn't THAT long... and my boy is happy.  In the midst of all the crap around, all the negativity, and any lack he may see or feel...

He still finds joy.

I love you, I miss you, I will pray for you.

HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE TRISTAN.  Can't wait to hear all about it!

Love your pitiful, can't live without her boy - Mama!

6 more sleeps!  See you soon bud!

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