The struggle is real. We went through a global pandemic. I mean TWO YEARS. If you had told me what was coming I would have broken in two. If you told me I would lose friends over masks and a shot I would have thought NO WAY... but I did. If you would have told me that I would survive... pretty much alone with an about-to-be-a-teenager.. I would have doubted you. But I did. But it cost me.. a lot.
We lost 2 years of baseball. TWO YEARS and because off that.. or maybe because of my choices, my son sits the bench. It is gut wrenching. This school has no interest in him as an athlete. I mean he made the team by the skin of his teeth - I'm not even sure he gave it his all butt he was nervous and obviously behind. I am second guessing every single choice I've made iin the last two years. Is this MY fault, should I have nixed soccer and insisted on baseball. Should i have put him on that other team with kids he would not have liked and forced him? Was TCA a mistake? What if... what if... what if.
For now.. I cheer for the team and my heart breaks that my athlete sits. There has to be a lesson in there somewhere but I fear it's for me and my son is paying the price. He tried out knowing he may get cut, he accepted knowing he wouldn't start and he shows up every day and gets bullied a lot so he gained courage and I'm so very, very proud of him. Some days I want to run a few of those kids over with my car... but I don't. Jerks.
I lost my community group. I walked away from 5 women because it felt too demanding. I felt unheard and overwhelmed and out of time and one night, I had a panic attack. While on the phone with them... literal panic attack. It was terrible. The next day, I walked away. left, removed myself from the group chat. Was gone.
Thankfully Heather and I talked and I asked for her forgiveness - she was my leader in some ways. Leslie and Lisa and I have kept in touch this whole time... Beverly and Lyn, not so much. But last night we had dinner and my heart sang. I love every second of being with them and they said I was welcome back but it's not that easy. Nothing feels easy. But I gained forgiveness.
And during Covid I had no friends... but slowly I'm clutching to new ones. Erica gets me 110% - she's from Skaneateles... and she just gets me. Odd how being from someone you just FEEL the same. She is like another mom to T and I am so thankful. Her boys have taken him in as well. I hope they get closer again this summer. I need the help. The middle one - don't know her yet but she trusted me enough to ask me to take her son to school if she suddenly has the baby. Which... OF COURSE I will. And Lori, spilled my guts to her on a park bench one day. We have some other hard conversations to have about her and her husbands aging parents. Don't even want to have those conversations but need to. And Lindsay... heck she's been there since Grace but I'm so thankful we are reconnecting. I've missed her and Chris (and Rett and Co) all of these years.
I miss having a flat stomach too.
And work. I miss the old but I'm thankful for the new. Ed comes up to my floor and grabs candy and does silly fun things with me. I work for a boss that can't stand me, one that thinks I'm ok (but kind of bitchy), and a few I just like to be around. I lost a year of in person contact but I never lost a pay check. And, I gained Leon. I has been such an honor to support him. Never know how I'm doing - he's too busy to tell me ... BUT Leo likes me now so that's something! I got my bonus and a car allowance... feels like they are going to regret that!
And T has gained a lot of friends. Some he knew but so many NEW and great kids. He lost his best friend in some respects in the process. They didn't play winter or spring sports together. We weren't consistent with in-person church and we never get called to "come over". I lost Tracy in all of this too and it has gutted me. I asked her to go to dinner a few times but she just never got back to me. I guess the fact that I just can't flat out ask her tells you what a coward I am. But you aren't T.... you just always try.
And these dogs make me insane. Mud in my house almost every day but I have to have a dog door. I'm fixing my yard as fast as I can but sod takes time. Tell me the man-cave will be worth it? PLEASE!!!??
I gained an appreciation for their faithfulness. Always happy to see me. And the little donkey reminds me daily that I'm loved and I'm not alone and worthless.
And I told myself.... I felt led to actually reach out to those I love. I don't have to be part of any circle. I can be the single friend you hang out with when you can. My money doesn't matter.. my clothes don't matter... just me. I matter. When we left Glen's team my heart broke thinking I wouldn't see Connie much. But I've been intentional. I still get calls for dinner and soccer and stuff. My son knew his limits and we were both brave enough to stick up for ourselves regardless of what the world thought.
I've lost so much time with my family. So many memories on trips we would have taken. But who hasn't? The world has. The world has lost jobs, and savings, and houses... the world has lost PEOPLE.
I've lost my health because of stupid FAI and I'm fat and I hate it. I want to take all of my money out of savings and get surgery done but I know that doesn't fix anything. I need to accept that I'm aging and I'm wrinkled and who cares what anyone thinks, I'm doing the best I can. I hate that I'm more insecure than I every was. Thanks Dallas.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this... my 2nd divorce, work, single parenting, buying the money pit...I've lost my self esteem and it scares me. I miss me - the old me - the happy me. I'm not UNHAPPY, I'm just comin out of a two year pandemic which (quite frankly) feels like I have been thrown into the ocean while the ship is sinking and it's trying to drag me down. I'm swimming as fast as I can in the other direction. I just don't happen to know if where I am headed is shark filled waters. No one reads this.. .which I guess offers some great peace becuase there is no pressure about hurting anyone's feelings. Some day Tristan you may flip through these pages and read this and just so you know... my number one thought has ALWAYS been...
IF YOU'RE OK, I'M OK.
So don't freak out when I'm watching you like a hawk.. this is hard to navigate. Eyes Up.
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