God uses the missed moments to make us stronger- our cracks are our strength

I missed it.  He asked me to go ... I said yes.

I MISSED IT.

I dropped him at 7:35am, saw all the cars and (of course) my mind was in a thousand places (as was his) and we both forgot.

I hate missing. I hate missing anything because I know better than to not soak up every sweet moment from his childhood.

I've leaned on the side of depression these last few weeks at the weight of it all. At the weight of not knowing how to parent a teen in this horrid world.  This disgusting opioid-filled, porn-filled, gun-toting kid-filled world.

My counselor said to me yesterday "Do you need to know TODAY"?

Kind of stopped me in my tracks.  No, I guess I don't. But I like to be prepared. I LIVE to be prepared.  I'm not a fearful person in general but when it comes to T, I walk in fear a lot.

He brought me this gift when I picked him up at his friend's after a play date.  He said, "here you go mom, I made you this!"

Playdates help... and it was all he cared about



I apologized for missing and he said: "I don't care at all, I forgot too mom!!"

Still stung.

So I bought it home and reveled in my "Thank you for being the best mom ever.  Love, Tristan"

But I missed it.  I'm broken. I'm not the best mom. But to him, some days I still hang the moon.  And I'm thankful.

See that rock? I posted about that a while back... I loved that rock SO MUCH when he found it.  We were hiking and he grabbed it I said "T that is MY LIFE!  Cracked and broken and imperfect... yet... it's beautiful. It's still somehow whole and the cracks are even pretty."

So we took it home.  

I'm pretty sure those cracks make that rock weaker. If I smacked it with a hammer it might break more easily.  But MY cracks made me stronger.  My divorce didn't kill me, it made me stronger. Getting verbally abused and sexually harassed so many times made me stronger and way less tolerant of that now. Every painful moment God has used to draw me closer to Himself and in that, I'm stronger, I'm kinder and (most days) I'm more patient and tolerant.

But then the flesh wins yet again and I tell myself I'm a failure. I'm not a great friend, I'm not that smart, I'm not that kind, or giving or...blah, blah, blah!

But, I believe what YOU say to be true of me Lord. I'm the daughter of the King. I'm chosen, I'm forgiven, I'm free. I'm white as snow.  So when I screw up... and I will over and over... I don't have to life there. I can admit it, apologize if necessary and move on.  And just as in parenting, I will mess up, I don't need to have it all together and know how to raise Tristan TODAY... I just have to be in prayer, obedient and the Lord WILL guide me.

What I have today IS ENOUGH.

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