Day 7 and 8

Well, the first two pics are from a very hard Day 7

I sat here... and bawled.  Tristan and I had choice words about his eating. Well, not eating.  His snacking.  It didn't go well.  I'll leave it at that.  I sat here.  Bawling.  Crying out to God to save us. To heal our land.  I told Him all of the things I CANNOT do.  Well not in my own strength.  I told Him all of the places I NEED to move out of.  All of the insecurities I have. All the things I have fought SO hard for that I'm fearful He is asking me to just forget about.

I'm scared of His "NO". I'm scared that I'm being corrected or chastised for all of the decisions I've made until now. That I've just messed it all up.  But then, I remember that I'm just not that powerful. God has shown up for me in so many ways, so many times, and I can't forget that. I can't be like all of God's people who wandered in the desert 40 years... and then in their freedom, they were STILL captive. I don't want to be THIS version of myself.  AFRAID.

So as dusk set in, I dried my eyes. I turned off the music and (God bless my neighbors for not calling the cops on me) I stopped worshipping rather loudly and I walked home.

Tristan and I walked Baylor. We cried. We talked about words and how hurtful they are. I asked him to please never say he hates me again (although, I'm not stupid).  He cried.  He said how sorry he was.  He was so upset and how much he upset me and he doesn't know what to do when I cry because he never sees me cry. He sees me strong.  But, in some respect, he needs to see me process this... process life too.  He's learning. I'm learning. 

I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of coronavirus. I'm afraid of it killing my family.  But, I can't stay here. I have to believe that He loves me more than anything in the world and in the end, He's got me no matter what.

Day 8

This was a much better day.  Lots of peaceful conversations, soccer skills under a very warm, sunny sky.  Dog walks, walk with Debby ... so soothing for the soul... I took a Pilates online class, got a ton of work done (which I am SO thankful for).  We had a 5pm Zoom call with Tristan's school counselor to discuss all of this, transitioning schools, family life, saying hurtful things and just... well, life in general.  So thankful for you Heather Harvey!

Then at 6pm Tristan had a call with his soccer team and coach.  They reviewed one of their games and then gave feedback.  It was SO cool to hear him connect with the teams and the boys and encourage them to keep up on their drills and some form of movement.  Again, SO thankful for some sort of normalcy.

Then, we had our Community group on Zoom.  It's hard.  Hard to hear the struggle and not fix. It's hard to admit that my faith is weak and I'm walking in fear A LOT. It's HARD. But it's necessary.  I don't have a good marriage, I don't have many places to just "not be ok" but here, and with a few very close friends (and my mom), I do.

I'm thankful that I could order and have groceries delivered for my mom and dad so they aren't more exposed to this.  NY is hard hit.

I am thankful for every person on every job site that is risking it all to keep food on their families tables... and mine.

Father, show yourself.  We need you and CANNOT do this alone.

This changed me and I will watch over and over just to have hope.  

Tony Evans and Family share...

God IS moving and he IS demanding our attention.  Father forgive me, please spare my life, spare my family.  And in the process, when people see me, may they see You!  Thank you for the grac eyou so freely give.  Please help me set up this homeschooling stuff so I can walk with Tristan and he can end 5th grade well.  In Jesus' name, Amen.