When life throws you lemons....duck... and recover!

 

I'm not going to lie... these last two months have been brutal.  Frustrating, lonely, eye opening, scary, sad.. all of it. Every possible emotion, I have felt.

Tristan has had a terrible 3 months. I don't want to say it's depression, but it's a touch of it and it was terrifying.  When he got sick and missed a couple of days of school...and studying.. a few bad tests and BAM - he was behind the 8-ball.

He cried every day, he was scared and felt like he was unable to do anything.  Thankfully we found a tutor and Hannah has been a godsend. She started giving him back his confidence and his grades started moving back up.

Then, I realized that Tracy no longer wants to be my friend.  Clearly I'm slow to the party and I while I knew I was no longer her favorite person, I had NO IDEA that I was off "the list".  How naïve.  To say that I am and was heartbroken was an understatement.  I have been coming to terms with all of this.. at the same time as my son is broken to bits and beyond my pain, I thought Tristan's heart was going to be broken.

Then, gift #1 comes in the mail.  They had to write thank you cards at school and T got this in the mail from Grayson.

Then I received this.  I cried and cried and cried.  God KNEW I needed it and my heart was utterly full. I know Tristan loves me but to have him WRITE it and for me to see that HE SEES ME... it was priceless. I needed that win.  In a moment when all seemed lost.. and I know that seems dramatic, but when you can't buy a house and you live with your ex, when you don't have any friends that you see, a year that is still in the mix of a global pandemic, all of it... just TOO MUCH. I needed this. Tristan needed that.

It funny how the Lord used the cutest things to bring me joy.  T made a guitar in art last year... and just brought it home this year.  Made me think of my Dad and how much he would have loved it had he lived here.

And pics from school posted, of him with a smile on his face... even with one of the school bullies...there was a smile

And we have a new system at work that has been quite challenging and coworkers recognizing how hard I'm working and after I said "send vodka" and they actually do just to make me laugh... I SMILED BIG.

And school photos where I see my baby becoming a young man.  Time is going so quickly and I somehow feel stuck in a bad  movie that I can't escape.

And time with friends, true friends that still find value in being friends with me.  Sherry Nunnally has saved me.  Quite frankly she has reminded me that even though I don't have money, I have great value.  That I AM a great friend and someone she invests in not because she feels sorry but because she loves me. And her sweet mama, GiGi (Jill) that has so lovingly tutored Tristan and given him his love of math back.  It's been life giving, life saving. She drags me out of the pit again and again... she won't let me drown.  She is so freaking loyal and I don't know how I will every pay her back.  Not that I have to...

And as I mentioned, heartbreak after heartbreak... another hits home.  We left the soccer team yesterday. Tristan is scared, these boys are becoming men and most over a year older and they are HUGE. He fought to be brave, but he's young and heck -they scare me!  It's so expensive and such a time suck that if you don't love it... you have to go.

So yesterday, we said goodbye.  My email to his coach:

Hi Glen,

Holt and I have decided it's best that Tristan steps back from the team.  We discussed this prior to signing on and I should have gone with my gut and not signed, instead I let him choose.  I told him last night, and while he's VERY sad, he's relieved.

Tristan has always been one of the strongest players on whatever team he's played on - but that has all changed.  On the way home from the game Monday, he cried - he is terrified to play such "big kids" and he is shutting down.  He feels like such a disappointment (to me and to you) every single game. He's taking a space on your team from someone who wants to be on that team and play at that level.  And playing "up" at this point is causing him to shy away from sports and I just can't allow that to happen anymore.

For better or worse, he's at TCA and he seems to like it but he has to work 3 times harder to do well there. Personally, I regret ever stepping foot on that campus, but that's a moot point. 

He wanted to play with Trey ... but after speaking to Sherry - he will still be playing against HUGE/aggressive/older kids so that solves nothing because the bottom line is he's scared.  But more than anything, we've bit off more than we can chew and it's time to stop.

Our divorce did a number on him, getting sick and getting behind in school REALLY did a number on him. We are in the process of buying a house and moving (and Holt moving out), basketball (or soccer) starts next week and I think it all feels like too much. We are studying/doing homework 2 - 3 hours every night, he's exhausted and I'm exhausted. We don't have one night off during the week and something has got to give.

I am letting the team know today and I will ask the parents who wants to take over as team manager unless you would prefer to handle that ask.  I will help them get switched over (get the bank account turned over, give them the cash and have them added to GotSport once they have done all of the testing, etc.) 

I am not a quitter and under any other circumstance, I would keep Tristan on the team as a life lesson, but his therapist even agrees - this is doing more harm than good. He will absolutely miss you and the team, but right now, I have to do what is best for his mental health, and mine.  I am gone until about 9pm tonight but you can call me any time over the weekend to discuss.

We have not discussed what message we will give the parents/team but I will make sure he's not humiliated by it.  This is ultimately my decision, not his.  I have discussed this with Connie, only because we are trying to move to Richardson and I'm trying to decide if I will move him to public school or keep him at TCA. If I move him out of TCA, he will be devastated to not be with Grayson anymore  but I may not have a choice, if his Dad refuses to work.

Soccer is my sport, and it really guts me to send this but it's not about me, or you or the Renegades. It's about Tristan. We have not given him a choice in the matter, it truly is what we know is best.

We will be at the game tomorrow, and next weekend if you want/need us there. I am notifying the parents now and they will tell the kids AFTER tomorrow's game.

So. Many. Tears. I will cry about this one for a long time. That may have been his last day on the soccer field.  But it's not about me.  It's about me protecting him.

Ginger was here for a quick trip and I didn't get nearly enough time... but enough to be reminder that I DO have friends that love me... even though they are far.

And grades are improving .. and he's so proud - and wants me to be too!  

SO PROUD OF YOU T!!!

And these two. We will now have more time to train and invest and reshape our family.  

Football was not a fun experience.  Looks good.. but it's all fluff.  I'm REALLY struggling with TCA and I really, really, REALLY need God to show me if I completely messed this up or if T should be at this school.

He begged for help and direction and coaching and the coaches just ignored him. I begged God for help. Begged for direction and I asked EXPECTING Him to answer.  And I think He did. Meet "Coach Mac" Robert McAllister.  He's a coach we have hired to work with Tristan and he is AMAZING. It will help him gain his confidence back - we need this so badly.

His motto:

SCORE ATHLETICSBuilding Kingdom Athletes

I don't know what God is doing... but I'm getting out of His way.  

I put an offer in on a house and they want a personal letter.  Again.. just doing as I'm asked and getting out of God's way.  Open hands Lord... open hands.

Lately it has been hard to get out of bed.  Lately, I've walked in fear and thought of myself as less than.  But I'm back on my feet again, and I've got the gloves back on.. I'm ready to fight.  I've done a lot of ducking lately... but here to tell you.. the Lord is with me, watch me rise. I WILL recover.