The big D in the Big D was never the plan...

Today is a sad day to write.  Divorce. Truly sad! And a day I NEVER thought would happen to me... again. I found out, the divorce is final.  Your world Tristan is forever altered.  And I did that. I was part of that and I am truly sorry. 

Your dad and I were married for a little over 15 years. We were SO different but had so much in common too.  But when the things we had in common all disappeared, so did we.  And for that, I'm truly sorry. We tried Re|Engage twice... two years of our life. We tried years of counseling but what we each needed, the other just couldn't seem to meet. So I chose to leave and keep us safe. I prayed for YEARS and finally knew, I gave all I could and it takes two to mend.  It took two to break.. but it ALWAYS takes two to mend and Daddy just wasn't willing. He said no.

But, I will do my very best to honor your dad and be respectful of him.  Our #1 priority is to parent you and parent you well.  I know this doesn't feel any different to you because nothing has really changed. We see Daddy once in a while, and he still hangs his hat here, so truly, nothing has changed.  But it will. Daddy and I can't live under the same roof forever, it's not "normal" and it really doesn't help either of us. We will have to move on with our own lives separate but still together loving you.

I remember when my parents got divorced. It was so painful.  But it wasn't talked about much and I didn't know until years later what even happened.  In time, you will understand both of us more and I hope you can have grace for us as humans.  Broken people walking this earth just doing the best that they can.  Sometimes that's not enough, like now... for you... and I know that.

Jesus just outside of the school reminding you...

I tried Buddy.  I'm fighting to keep you in TCA with all of your friends. I'm fighting to help you in school whenever you need it. I'm fighting to keep you on the Renegades soccer team with a coach you love and one that loves you.  I'm fighting to keep us in a church that we love and that calls us home...through a global pandemic - staying in all of these things has been challenging. I'm fighting to work full time, parent full time, be a team manager, a best friend, a cleaner, a chef, and keeper of the crazy schedule.  I'm trying.  But I will fail you.  The teenage years are quickly approaching and I sense your moodiness and attitude changes, but I know it's not me... it's just you - growing up and figuring things out. Insane hormones and growth.  But a divorce on top of that is scary to me. Guess that's what therapy is for. That's what friends are for and I pray over the years you get that support.

Seeing all the excess in the midst of just enough... feels less than. I get it.

Glover's mansion

Last night you shared how you are embarrassed that we are getting divorced, that we have a tiny house, that we have to get student aid for school.  Well, I'm sorry and I will keep as much of that as I can closer to the chest so you aren't embarrassed but some of this... well, I think God uses for his glory. I think people seeing and hearing how God rescues us is good and healthy and affirming.  I also want you to know how truly blessed you are. You have more than most of the world... but I get it... when you roll up to those big mansions... all you can see is that you have less. *SIGH* it's what I see too buddy but we are never going to have that life.

It is not lost on me that every Christmas will be different.  Every Sring Break and Thanksgiving split in two. But it's been different for a long time so I'm hoping it doesn't FEEL that way. I'm praying that God protects you and covers you in this and you can feel the joy of life within a family that isn't truly broken... just not under the same roof. I won't stop praying, I won't stop trying, and I won't stop being proud of how you handle this. There will be hard days, ugh... and they will be heartbreaking (I can feel it) but I will patiently wait for you to find your way and come back to me.  They say letting go of your song is the slowest break up of your life.. and I know that true but they also say "there is no bond like a mother and her son", I pray that is true of us. I love you more than you can imagine.  Mom