Christmas 2023... was a hard one!

Just got these pics in the mail and just stared at them.  This Freshman... on the Varsity squad.. isn't a baby anymore.  And while I miss those days, I celebrate this milestone too. He's becoming a man and I'm so proud.

But with that... comes separation that is HARD.  The silliness of Christmas, the cookies for Santa and the endless Christmas events have all pretty much come to a close... for now.

So I make the most of moments like these when friends offer to sit with us - so service doesn't seem so "boring"

And I can still steal a Christmas in front of the big tree.

I event tried his favorite meal... but it was a disaster.  He was tired. I was annoyed and we sat in silence.

I dropped T off at Holt and Ruth Ann's. I don't have any pictures of him opening gifts, or laughing, or games.  I chose to leave and go to the Lane's Christmas party because it's hard and awkward for me.  I also know I'm not part of that family anymore and I need to let him spend time with his family that he rarely sees. All I could think of was "If only Kim were here"... I would have stayed.

I spent hours with the Lane families and I was SO blessed.  I got a lot of hugs, a lot of "sit by meeeee", snuggles, sitting in my lap, playing with toys and excitement for Santa.  After I watched them all open gifts and take fun family photos, I left.  

I immediately called my mother (who is also alone) and bawled my eyes out.  Sin.  I felt the consequence of sin and a broken marriage.  At my core I was crushed and alone.  I drove home bawling while my poor mama tried to comfort me.  Then I could only think... is this the last Christmas my mom will know me?  MORE bawling. Ugh.

I came home and crawled into Tristan's bed and just sobbed. My dogs didn't know what to do.  But as I lay there crying about another Christmas Eve without my son... I was reminded that God GAVE UP HIS SON... I mean, to a HORRIBLE death ... for ME. What am I crying about?  I'm allowed to feel sad. I'm allowed to grieve another lonely stage and also begged Him to take away the loneliness and never ever put that on my child. My happiness is NOT his responsibility.

I'm thankful that I told Tristan that. That I told him that I'm sorry that he feels like he can't say anything to me out of fear of saying the wrong thing.  So, I just told him that every once in a while it would be nice if he said something kind and I felt loved and appreciate.  Sarcasm runs strong in this family (and I LOOOOVE sarcasm) but again,.. there are times when Mom just needs to KNOW she is loved and appreciated.

I pray this year, I'm stronger. I pray that I'm not lonely or sad. I pray for better boundaries. I pray I live within my means and stop comparing myself to others - especially my younger (non wrinkly), wealth friends and I pray the same for Tristan. I know he SEES that we aren't rich... but honestly... we have ALL we could possibly need and more.  Help us both to be thankful.

It's Christmas morning and my house is SO quiet.  I miss him. I miss being married, I miss baby Tristan, 5 year old Tristan with wonder in his eyes. But I can't miss teenager Tristan that is growing into a wonderful man, that is a boyfriend, learning to drive, a Varsity soccer player earning his place on the pitch and a brilliant boy becoming a man.  

Don't let me miss is Lord. Help me to embrace every moment, help me to let him go and when I miss him, cling to YOU.  I may be alone... but I'm never REALLY alone because I have wonderful friends that are like family here.  I just wish I belonged.  Oh...that's right.  I do... with YOU.  Thank you for every single Christmas song that reminded me of the Child in a manager. You gave up everything... for ME.  Thank you.  Merry Christmas God. Merry Christmas Tristan. Merry Christmas... to me.